Polk High Panthers (Schwab) def. Ohh Say Can You Pee (Sombke) 109.46-96.60
After jumping out to a big early lead behind Le’Veon Bell and Mark Ingram, Sombke ran out of steam and his team finished like they were being managed by a back to back participant in the Toilet Bowl Finals. On the other hand Schwab starts extremely slow before 3 TDs from Cook, Hilton, and Lockett in a matter of minutes turn the tide and he never looks back. The TE matchup is where this was decided with Evan Engram being the only target Eli thought he could throw to compared to Drew Brees not even knowing Jared Cook was on his team this year.
The Turf Burners (Jackson) def. TD Touching Toni (Stoddart) 125.92-83.06
You’d think that when one player gets you 33 points like McCaffrey did for Stoddart, your team will end up with more than 83. In a single week Stoddart was reminded that no matter how many Rhoda titles you have (2), your team can still always perform like you’re the OG TBB. Behind a huge performance from DeShaun Watson (even though he still had a higher scoring QB on the bench), the rest of Jackson’s team put up solid numbers, with only one position player scoring less than 7 points compared to the 4 players on Stoddart’s team who couldn’t reach the 7 point mark. Stoddart will look to bounce back in Week 2 as he will have 3 players slated to face Miami. Be on the lookout for those 3 to push his team towards league record heights in points since as of right now its a coin flip as to whether Miami will even have a team show up next week or not.
Wahlburgers (Chris) def. FNG (FNG) 106.82-67.10
In a dickslapping for the ages, FNG was quickly reminded why he is the laughing stock of The League. His team showed up as if he had placed a side bet on them. I guess that’s what happens when you start a kicker who played in the inaugural season of the NFL. Drew Brees tried to lead a comeback, but fell just short of the 60.52 points needed to tie and ended with a respectable 20.80. This could have been so much worse, but the Ravens decided keep their foot on the gas. Imagine if Justin Tucker had a few more FGs in there instead of 8 XPs.
Schwab’s Left Swipes (Mike) def. Scott’s Tots (Engh) 116.12-95.94
Despite leaving Sammy Watkins and his gazillion points on the bench, Mike was still able to walk away victorious thanks to his trio of RBs combining for 65.60 points. In other words, he had 3 players nearly match the total of FNG’s entire shitstain of a team. Hopkins doing Hopkins things is the only reason this was even semi respectable as a final score. If you can count a 20 point loss as respectable? Engh may have to work some roster magic in the coming weeks with the injury to Tevin Coleman. That leaves him with 2 healthy RBs (Kerryon Johnson and James White) and the only one on the bench being Melvin Gordon.
Kramerica Industries (Austin) def. Titties are Titties (Matt) 132.98-83.12
In the blowout of the week, Austin used the motivation from being the reigning Toilet Bowl Bitch to put a Mortal Combat finish on Brock Osweiler’s only fan. Patty Mahomes wasn’t enough to carry a team with 6 slots scoring 6 points or less. Behind Derrick Henry carrying over his finish of last season to Week 1 of this season and Dak Prescott doing what no one outside of Skip Bayless would say they saw coming, he goes from TBB to earning week high score honors and sits himself on top of the standings after Week 1.
Week 1 Standings
Week 2 Matchups
Schwab vs. Stoddart
Jackson vs. FNG
Engh vs. Chris
Austin vs. Mike
Sombke vs. Matt